with a confidence I lacked. We saw each other briefly, going out to bars and clubs, and eventually each other's apartment. I’ll always remember how special it felt being introduced to a small part of the gay scene in Boston and being out in my hometown, but the relationship didn’t last very long. So there I was, last Thursday evening, a middle age trans woman, at Club Café on Columbus Ave, recalling a spring romance that seemed like a lifetime away.
After the reception I meet up with another SU grad, who happens to be a classmate from high school, and long time friend. Under the bright florescent lights in my parents’ kitchen we enjoyed Chinese takeout. Miraculously my parents were still awake and even joined us for a little while. It certainly seemed like old times. I spent the night at my parents’ house, the very home I grew up in. Falling asleep in the childhood bedroom I used to share with my younger sister, memories flickered back to life, revealing themselves hiding in the cracks on the ceiling plaster and between the splintered floorboards under my bed. I saw my past from a new perspective and with a clarity I didn’t possess as girl hiding under the covers frightened not of monsters, but of being found out. I wondered how I managed to appease my internal desires living in a house with 9 people and very little privacy.
Later that day, before driving home, I went for a walk around my old neighborhood. As children, we gathered and played for hours in and around each other’s homes, even visiting the shops in the village with little or no supervision. On my walk, I passed by the elementary school I attended from kindergarten through the sixth grade. I thought about my years as a student in that old building with the medieval looking slate roof and Humpty Dumpty watching over the blacktop where we played foursquare. My secret I thought, was safely hidden from childhood friends, but I’m not so sure anymore.
I know I acted out in different ways, confused about the body I inhabited and the strange attractions I had towards both girls and boys. Girls were fabulous to be around. I remember sitting with a group of them in 2nd grade, admiring their freedom and beauty, feeling like I shared their spirit. But what could I do about it? By the 3rd grade I was wearing girls' underwear under my boy clothes to school as well as under my little league uniform, go Angels! This behavior continued for years, and I constantly created new ways to feel closer to my gender identity. But being around boys was confusing, especially as I grew older and my body started to change. As I became even more puzzled about who I was and what I could do about it, any remnants of childhood vanished in the haze and horror of puberty.
Prince - Controversy by Master_System