Thursday, August 30, 2012

It's a Mystery

It’s been two days since my most recent interview.  This is clearly a case when no news is not good news. The interview on Tuesday was my fourth this summer, actually pretty good I think.  They were all for high school teaching jobs, that’s what I do, or did for the past nineteen years.  Sadly my job of nine years was eliminated this past spring. I was stuck at the bottom of the seniority ladder with seven other art teachers ahead of me, so I got cut.  I did love my job and looked forward to going to school everyday.  But that’s how it is in public schools.  As Heidi Klum says, “one day you’re in and the next you’re out.”  It’s not how good you are, or whether you make a difference, or your passion for learning and compassion for kids that matters, nope, it’s years of service, that’s it.  And while I can accept a small part of the union’s argument, the reality is, it’s difficult to pass someone climbing the same ladder as you.  

Here I am, unemployed. It’s been rather an interesting, if not a very anxious process for me trying to find work.  I’ve been fortunate to have had the same job and employer for 9 years.  So when I had my interview a few weeks ago, the first in 9 years, I was understandably, a little nervous.  To make things more exciting, this was the first time I interviewed for a job as Gia, now a talented middle aged woman, who just so happens to be a trans-woman.  Could it be any different?  Would I be treated unfairly or with skepticism?  I didn’t know.  Since that first interview, I’ve had three more since, I’ve walked into all the same way, with confidence and a smile.  The reactions are typical; a slight pause, quick adjustment, an overly polite greeting, then on to business as usual.  

So why post this?  Is there anything about being a trans-woman that affected the outcome of the interviews?  I hope not, but I don’t know for sure.  And I think that’s why I wrote about this entry.  I’ve never felt so confident in my being and soul after affirming my gender identity, yet never so confused about the future.   I often feel lost and alone.  I now look back at loosing my job a few months ago with more bitterness and disbelief than when I left.  It’s certainly possible that being a trans-teacher expedited my departed from my last job. And despite awesome interviews, impeccable recommendations, and the highest of qualifications, it’s given me reason to understand why I haven’t been hired yet.  All this makes me question everything, my identity, my prosperity, and myself.  What’s a girl to do?

Nothing.  Strangely enough, it all turns out well. How do I know?  It’s a mystery.