That little Candle

This week, Rosetta, a European spacecraft, crashed into comet 67p, also known as Churyumov-Gerasimenk, after a 12-year journey across time and space. Rosetta lost contact with Earth forever, bringing the historic mission to an end. The team in Darmstadt, Germany, who had been working on this project for decades,

clapped, embraced, and shed tears as the craft crash-landed on the comet that was traveling at 84,000 miles an hour. Ironically, Rosetta, was only traveling at a speed of 3 ft per second (walking pace) as it was embraced by the traveling cluster of rock-like material and dust originally from the Kuiper belt, a disc of remnants beyond our planets, formed after the birth of our solar system.

For me there is something tragic and captivating about this story, especially the thought of Rosetta’s slow demise onto the surface of the racing comet, speeding across the universe, picking up wearing travelers, like gravity’s angel. 
                                                      _______

I had the good fortune to spend last Saturday afternoon with my girlfriend and her two boys. Thanks to my dad, we had tickets to the Boston College football game at Alumni Stadium in Chestnut Hill, an area in Massachusetts best know for the Jesuit college, part of the Boston Marathon route at the top of Heartbreak Hill, and a mall. Chestnut Hill is also part of three municipalities, Boston, Newton, and Brookline, and three different counties, Suffolk, Middlesex, and Norfolk. Talk about identity crisis.

Anyway, it was a picture-perfect early fall afternoon, and while the game was a snooze, BC squashed Wagner State 42- 10, there were a few moments that I can’t stop thinking about.

My girlfriend’s kids are in elementary school, and just a few years apart in age. We’ve been dating eight months now; in fact that Saturday was our anniversary. I knew going into the game that we probably weren’t going stay the entire four quarters. The boys are young, and I don’t have remotely the same interest in college football that I had when I played football as a youth or even when I coached early in my teaching career, but the boys love sports and we thought this was something fun to do together. It was.

Traveling to the game and walking around the stadium past tailgaters and college students was nostalgic for me. As a kid, I remember coming to a BC game for the first time when I was about the same age as the oldest of my girlfriend’s boys. It was special then and still is. My dad graduated from Boston College in 1955 and one of my brothers did too in the 80’s. Because we lived just a few miles from the stadium, our family went to and still goes to home games every year. This was my first time going openly as a trans woman, which sounds weird to write, but for me it was significant.

Two things stand out from that afternoon. The oldest of my girlfriend’s boys is an athlete and also sensitive, he holds my hand in crowds or when we’re crossing the street, and that was no different last week. He also leans on me when we’re sitting as group, which I find endearing and comforting that he trusts me. That happened too. But what really caught my attention were his questions. After each touchdown or score, the BC cheerleaders tumble across the end zone, with the final girl doing round-offs, flips and twists as an exclamation point.

As we watched, he asked, “Gia, were you ever a cheerleader?”

I smiled, and let the thought sink in “no, no I wasn’t, but I’m sure I thought about it." I paused. " but I did do gymnastics until the 10th grade”

With not much of a reaction from him, he asked another question just moments later, “When you played football, did you wear long sleeves under your uniform when it was cold?”

“I guess” I stammered, not knowing he knew I played football.

It took me a few moments, but then the gravity of what he said, eventually hit me. He was able to hold two somewhat opposing thoughts in his head, someone could be both a cheerleader and a football player, plus he was also concerned about football players being cold and being able to perform with long sleeves, that was sweet.

Sitting on a cold metal bench under a brilliant blue sky, the game had been momentarily interrupted by a child’s wonder and innocence, colliding like a spacecraft landing on a comet. 

Playing with Dolls

When did you know?  When did you know you are the gender that you are?  You know, when did you realize you’re a boy, a girl, a man, a woman, or something else?

Can you recall that moment in time? Do you remember what year was it? How old were you?

No? I didn’t think so, but don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Most folks don’t know and the majority of people I’ve asked have never thought about the very idea, people just accept what they’ve been told. Humans are very compliant.

But if I asked a room full of trans folk, I’d get a completely different response. Hands would fill the air.  “Oh, I remember, it was when I was four and….”

Why is that you may ask. That’s an honest question.  It’s probably for many reasons. Perhaps we were corrected, or we notice a difference in our bodies, or were told were not who we think we are.

For me, I’ve known since I was very young, I was probably three or four years old when I realized I was more like my sisters and mom, than my four older brothers, and my dad. I liked their clothes, jewelry and makeup, playing with dolls, cooking, and hanging out with their friends

Don’t get me wrong, I liked doing some “traditional boys” thing too, and still do, and I was definitely praised for doing them, the more masculine the better.  You can never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.

But for some reason, I knew my attraction in girly things, feminine things, was wrong. But don’t know why.

Did I pick up hints from my surroundings and society that what I was doing was wrong? Was I corrected like so many young trans kids or feminine boys?

“Don’t let me catch you wearing that again or else…."

While it’s pretty hazy looking back nearly fifty years now, I do remember some special moments from my youth. You see, I grew up in a house with nine people and a cat, or a series of cats, (Sandy, Roosevelt, and Ashley). And I shared a room with my younger sister till I was twelve.

While it was often chaotic, there were some bonuses living in such a full house, especially when six of us were going to elementary at the same time. Getting dressed for school was left up to each of us, I guess so my mom could focus on making six peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sign any permission slips and iron my dad’s shirts. 

My fascination or fixation for feminine things continued, but I told no one. And for years, I stole and wore clothes from my sisters and my mom, not really understanding why.

I remember the first time I wore my sister’s underwear under my boy clothes to elementary school. I felt like a criminal. By the way, they were white with a satin ribbon trim.

In fact I wore girl clothes, underwear to be specific as much possible, even under my little league uniform on several occasions.

There was one game where I slide into second base, only have my baseball pants rip open at my hip reveling underwear taken from my mom’s dresser just hours earlier.

I played the rest of my game holding the rip together with my right hand terrified someone might see my secret if I had to field a ground ball.

Puberty arrived and as you might imagine, it was hell. If you’ve ever seen the film, American Werewolf in London, you might recall the scene where the main character transforms from human into wolf. It’s portrayed as the most painful and terrifying metamorphosis. That’s what I felt like as my body began to betray me.  

As my body became more masculine I found that I needed more time and space to be a girl outwardly, but in a house with nine people, one full bathroom, and no locks on any doors, being a trans teenager in secret was a challenge.

So I looked for other options to express myself in safety. I often would sneak out at night and walk around my quiet suburban neighborhood dressed as girl. I also started watering the plants and feeding the cats of my neighbors when they went on vacation.  What I realized when I got inside, is that I had their whole house to myself, so guess what I did?

That’s right! I dressed like the girl I wanted to be, now for hours at a time in the relative safety in my neighbor’s house. I would bring a bag of clothes, and even tried on some of my neighbor’s clothes, she was a little more risqué than my mom. These adventures in cat sitting continued for a few months, but since I was only 12 and wasn’t good at covering my tracks. I got caught.

At dinner, my dad let me know we needed to talk about something. We met in the back yard. I knew exactly why I was there. I had noticed my neighbor’s minivan in their driveway earlier that afternoon, indicating they had returned from their weekend trip and must have found something out of place. I sat across from my parents on that warm summer night and never felt so alone.

They confronted me about what I had been doing at my neighbor’s house and also informed me that they found my stash of women’s clothes under my bed. I could tell they were humiliated and embarrassed.

Dumbfounded, they asked why? Why are you doing this? Why are you acting this way?

Mind you, this was 1980.

There was little or no information about being trans out in the world, no Internet or YouTube. Laverne Cox wasn’t be born yet. And while Caitlyn Jenner was on front of the Wheaties box sitting on my kitchen table, it wasn’t because she was trans. She had just won the gold medal at the Montreal Olympics and was the greatest athlete in the world.

Not having the language or knowledge to explain myself, I just said, “it makes me feel good and I’m happy when I do it.”

They didn’t know what to do with that response. Well, you’re going to have to apologize to the neighbors; they’re waiting for you.

Ugh. I walked across the street to my neighbor’s.

They were waiting for me. With my head looking at the ground, hiding my embarrassed face, I apologized. You know what, they seemed to be okay about it. I shouldn’t have been surprised. They were more liberal and younger than my parents and I had been using their first names since they moved in.

I returned to my parents who were still in my backyard waiting. While they were satisfied with my apology, they were still visible agitated and confused by my behavior.

“Well, do you want to talk to someone about this, how about a priest? “

Too embarrassed.  I replied, “Do I have to... I promise never to do it again”

Words are Not Enough

This the text from a speech I wrote for tonight's vigil in Portland, Maine, as the spokesperson for EqualityMaine, in response to the tragedy in Orlando. 

Hello, my name is Gia Drew, and I’m honored to work as program director at EqualityMaine, and humbled to work on behalf of all of you, Maine’s LGBT community.

I’m also a very proud bisexual transgender woman!

As many of you know, EqualityMaine has been working to secure full equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Mainers for 32 years. We are committed to ensuring every member of our community feels safe and welcome in every aspect of their lives, at every age and wherever they may be in this beautiful state.

This morning I awoke with the promise of enjoying this spring day at home, possibly going for a bike ride, and even getting my hands a little dirty in my garden. That all changed when I learned of the shooting at Pulse in Orlando. I immediately texted my girlfriend in Boston. “hope you are you okay - thinking of you - hug me”

She had heard the news too.  “Wish we were together - I’m angry more than anything”  

I knew what she meant, I was angry too. “Go, go, get out and breathe the air.”

“I love you”

“I love you too”

25  years ago I was living in Boston. I was 24, recently out of college, and I was walking down Boylston street with my boyfriend, Kevin. But we were both afraid to hold each other's hands in public, and it wasn’t until we were inside Club Cafe, yes it's still there, that we felt safe enough to so. So we did, and as you can imagine, we also kissed and danced. And in the words of President Obama, who spoke earlier today, we were living. For many in our community, clubs have always been be our safe haven, they are the places we go to celebrate our identities in safety, to dance, laugh, kiss, hook-up, and have a drink. They are places like Pulse in Orlando, and here in Maine we have Blackstone's, Styxx, Flask,Maine Street and several others.  

So the news this morning was startling, like a home invasion. Someone broke into our house and killed members of our family. Like you, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared, and i’m in shock. I don’t really know what to tell you, other than we will not hide. We will not go back in the closet, never!

As you know, it’s pride month. And we will be out and proud, and celebrating our identities and the diversity of our community together all month. We were already at Central Maine Pride in Waterville last weekend, yesterday, we were at Pride events in both Belfast and Bar Harbor, we’ll be Pride Portland all week, and next week we’ll be at Bangor Pride.

Our hearts hurt as we think about all the lives taken from us this morning and our thoughts are with the families and friends who are grieving the loss of their loved ones.  We stand united with the gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, and latin-x communities of Orlando.

Yesterday at Belfast pride, I met so many wonderful people who were thrilled to finally have a pride event in their part of the state. There was a young girl, no more than 10, who came up to our table with her dad. We talked a little about what EqualityMaine does, then she interrupted us to tell me she had come out at school this spring as bisexual. “Cool! I replied, “Way to go!”  

So, as we grieve and mourn as a community,  I think of all the young people, like the girl I met yesterday, who should never feel ashamed about they are or have to worry about their safety in this world. We are committed to all of you -to your well being - young and old, wherever you live in Maine.

I know today is hard, but we have each other. So, hold each other’s hands more tightly, hug a little longer, kiss with more passion, look into each other’s eyes more deeply, dance like you’ve never danced before, and listen with more compassion than know you had, because so many of us are in pain and just need to be heard or hugged or both.    

Yes we are hurting, but together we are strong. We are, after all, family.

This Time

I awoke early this Sunday to the sound of rustling spring leaves, flapping together like children clapping their hands for attention, letting me know it was 40 degrees cooler than the day before. The sudden warmth on Saturday had quickly retreated overnight in the face of the stubborn east wind coming off the ocean, reminding me, and the impatient foliage, that it wasn’t summer just yet.

Breathing in through my swollen and bloodied nose, the cool salty air tickled my newly formed nostrils and the taste of iron and lilac drip down my throat. I rub my dry eyes and the feel of the tape on across the bridge of my nose and the sudden pain remind me that I’m still recovering from the surgery I had a few just a few days ago.

I roll on my side wanting to sleep a little while longer, ignoring the fact that I’ve been in bed for days, and relish that it’s Sunday of Memorial Day weekend and I have no plans to speak of, but my bladder doesn’t care one bit.  I stumble to the bathroom, pull down my panties and sit on the toilet in one motion, then look out the window at the newly ensconced trees and pee a little river. After wiping, I look into the bowl; it’s dark yellow. I’m dehydrated again. Maybe that’s why I have a headache, and not the surgery. Too much coffee, vodka, and wine, and not enough water, I know.

I glance into the mirror over the sink stained with chalky white toothpaste, blue-green spit from my antibiotic mouth rinse, and bits of dried blood. I’m still puffy and the soiled tape on my nose has begun to pull away from my face, but I think I look a little better I convince myself. My black eye, which had turned yellow yesterday, was now hardly noticeable. I turn away from the mirror and step on my scale wedged between the vanity and the tub. You have step on it to get it to activate, step off, then on again. I usually step off again to bend down and read the number, as I’m usually not wearing my glasses. But with my head in pain, I squat instead. The first try I miss, and the blue numbers disappear before I can read them. I try again. 132!  No, that’s not right, really? I think to myself, getting excited.  Then do it again. 134.6. That’s probably right, and even though its not a big difference, I’m disappointed nonetheless.

Earth spins around the sun at an angle of 23.5 degrees, which is why we have different seasons. Most modern day calendars divide the year into quarters: spring, summer, fall, and winter. The dates of when these seasons begin and end vary depending on whom you ask. Most of us use the dates of equinoxes and solstices to mark the beginning and end of seasons, but to be consistent and to make weather forecasting easier, meteorologists divide the year into 4 meteorological seasons of 3 months in length. Spring, for example, runs from March 1st to May 31^st.

No matter when you think spring begins or ends, it seems to be always a season full of contrasts, and this year is certainly no different. For me, it’s been filled of many distinct moments full of emotion. I’ve watched my parents’ age right before my very eyes, witnessing both of them feel pain like I’ve never seen before. My dad crying-out after part of his left leg was amputated and a phantom pain wakes him out of a post surgical morphine haze.  And my mom, can’t catch a break either, having to spend Mother's Day in the ER for hours, shaken by a mysterious pain that some of the best doctors in Boston, who had just repaired her leaking aneurysm, can’t figure out and shake their heads bewildered.

And in all of this, I found love. Out of nowhere, there’s someone special in my life and all I want to do is spend time with her, hold her, kiss her, have sex, hold hands in public, wake up next to her, by groceries together, watch ET with her boys, and complain when she doesn’t pay enough attention to me.

So I guess the joy I feel is connected to the emotions I feel for my parents. And as their bodies become more fragile, I imagine each of them, 57 years ago, falling in love and want to believe they once felt how I feel now, sparkling with life. I look at this time as magical and precious, but the more I try to hold on to it, it seems to slip through my fingers, like the   sand we used to play in as children. Spring won’t last forever.

Heartbreak Hill

Boston Sky

I’m in Boston this weekend, but not for the marathon. Earlier this spring, my dad’s heath began to fail. Diabetes and arteriosclerosis were conspiring to restrict blood flow to his 83-year old legs and feet, and he was in danger of losing a few toes, and possibly a leg.

Coincidentally, three years ago and just days before the 2013 Marathon, my dad, then 80, had heart bypass surgery at Tufts Medical Center. I remember visiting him in the hospital on Sunday shortly before he was moved to a rehab facility in neighboring Newton, our family’s hometown, and just blocks from the start of infamous Heartbreak Hill.  The next day, Tufts became one of receiving hospitals for many of the victims of the so-called Boston Bombing.

Settled in his new location I decided to return to Maine, my adopted home for the previous twelve years, and not stay and cheer on the runners on Monday, like I had done countless times since childhood, and also appreciate as a marathon runner myself. As my dad slowly regained his strength in the rehab facility, bomber and terrorist, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured, hiding in a boat parked in a Watertown driveway.

Last month, my dad was back at Tufts Medical Center, and the vascular surgeon performed two angioplasties in his left leg and removed one dead toe.  While the five hour surgery was quite extensive, the surgeon was unsure the prognosis at that time. We’ll have to wait and see was the approach. 

We got word this week things didn’t look good. The blood flow hadn’t improved enough to sufficiently to heal wounds on his feet and two more toes had turned black, just like you see in those documentaries about mountain climbers with frostbite.  An emergency procedure was planned for Saturday to see if an arterial bypass in his leg would be possible to save his leg.  You know it’s urgent when they schedule a weekend surgery.

I drove directly to Tufts Medical Center last Friday after work. I had an idea the city would be alive and full of people with the marathon on Monday. I pulled into the garage across from the hospital, which doubles as a garage for theatergoers. Waiting in line to park, I noticed a bold sign, Flat Rate $28 Paid Upfront for Event Parking, No refunds!  That sucks I thought to myself, I’m not going to the damn theater, I’m visiting my dad in the hospital. Finally it was my turn. I “rolled down” the window.

“Where you headed ma’am?”

“The hospital” I replied, thinking I’d have to fork-over $28 upfront.  

But, in a very sincere tone, he answered,

“Okay” and handed me my parking ticket.

I found the floor and the room where my dad was staying. It’s the same floor, and nearly the same room he was in last month, and three years ago. It’s become all too familiar.  Already in the room with my dad, were my mom, my two sisters, and my oldest brother. As they said their hellos, I looked to my dad sitting up in bed. His hair, which has been nearly non-existent for years, was a mess, and I noticed he was wearing a sweater under his blue Johnny.  He raised his arms, calling out my name, Gia! signaling me to come give him hug. I walked over and hugged him gently while kissing his forehead, like I’ve done so many times these past few years. But this felt different. I sat down next to his bed and could see sadness and perhaps fear behind his perpetually bloodshot eyes.  I reached out and touched his arm and the faded brown cashmere was wonderfully soft, warned down after so many years.

I spent Friday night with my mom, my two sisters and five nieces. The next morning we awoke, and one by one found a place around the kitchen table. While some of us drank coffee, my nieces had glasses of milk and ate pancakes with chocolate chips. I don't know what they think is happening to their "papa."  My older sister was already at the hospital, waiting with my dad for his surgery to begin.

After breakfast, I sat in the living room and read some of the Boston Globe. There was a cover story about a recent LGBT event where trans activists interrupted the Massachusetts' governor, demanding he take action and support a bill that would ban discrimination against transgender people in public accommodations, such as going to a restaurant, staying in a hotel, accessing the emergency room, and yes, using a bathroom. As a transgender woman who was born in Boston and visits Massachusetts regularly to see my family and spend time with my friends, and girlfriend, I find the current law deplorable. I flipped to the back of the first section, and their was and OP Ed written by the Boston Globe, criticizing the trans activists for being rude and interrupting the governor.  I was furious with the Globe’s board for taking such a patronizing position, telling us trans folk to be more polite.

I immediately wanted to write a letter to the editor and tell them I don’t have time to be polite. My dad is in the hospital facing loosing his leg, and possibly more, and my mom is afraid of what will happen next. I just want to spend the precious time I have left with my aging parents and not worry about which bathroom to use or which restaurant is safe for me to go to with my girlfriend so she hold me close and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

The Boston Marathon is today, and I don’t care. 

Dirigo

Trans Day, Maine State House, March 31, 2016

This past Thursday I was one of the featured speakers for a press conference at the first-ever, Trans Day at the Maine State House.  Below are the remarks I shared to an audience of supporters, curious legislators and lobbyists, and members of the beautiful trans community in Maine.

Good morning! 

My name is Gia Drew, and I am Program Director at EqualityMaine, a statewide organization that has been working to secure full equality for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Mainers since 1984.  I also serve as president of the board of directors of Maine Transgender Network, an organization that provides support, education and resources for the transgender community across the state.

As a transgender woman, just five years removed from publicly embracing my trans identity, I’m honored and slightly overwhelmed to have been asked to speak this morning at the first ever, TRANS DAY at the Maine State House.

I do want sure to thank the organizers from Maine Transgender Lobby for bringing this event to life on this Transgender Day of Visibility. It is truly a magical day.

On this last day of March, I want to call attention to Maine’s record in advancing equality. Our state motto “Dirigo” which translated, means “I lead” is fitting. Not only does America’s day begin in Maine, but we have lead the nation in ensuring that everyone who lives and/or visits this beautiful state feels safe and welcome in every aspect of their life. In 2005, Maine was one of first states in the nation to extended anti-discrimination protections to include sexual orientation as a protected class, which as defined in the Maine Human Rights Act, to include gender identity and expression. This law protects Mainers like me, against discrimination in housing, employment, education, public accommodations, and credit.

Soon after the Maine Human Rights Act was passed, state agencies went to work and updated policies, regulations, and procedures to not only reflect the new law but also provide necessary guidance on how to interpret the law in their specific area. Unfortunately, rules and guidelines related to education never came to light, leaving school districts to interpret the law on their own, some did so with satisfactory results, others did nothing, and so we’re left with a patchwork of policies and procedures that vary drastically from one school to the next, leaving educators and administrators in the dark on how to follow a law passed eleven years ago.

In 2014, the Maine Supreme Court affirmed the rights of a transgender student, Nicole Maines, affording her all the rights of other girls at her school.  This past year, both the Maine Human Rights Commission and Department of Education finally created guidelines for schools to follow which would have given educators and administrators the tools needed to better support LGBT students, and addressing the needs and the safety of transgender students.

Unfortunately, those guidelines, which were ready for public comment this winter, needed the Governor’s signature to move forward on a procedural step. He declined to act, and in doing so, left schools, educators, administrators, parents, and students out in the cold.

In the aftermath of the Governor’s decision, The Maine Human Rights Commission published a memo that includes interpretations of the law in relation to supporting transgender students. While this is a great step forward, and the interpretations are thorough and adhere to best practices, it’s not enough. Maine educators, parents, and students deserve more respect from our Governor, not the cold shoulder they received instead.

Thank you!

The Future is Now

On Wednesday I arrived home late after another long day at work. After putting down my bags, I sorted through a small pile of mail. I noticed Millay Colony for the Arts on the return address on one of the letters. I’ve been attending a writer’s retreat each summer for the past few years at Millay, and I’ve also applied for their month

long residency annually as well. And just a few weeks ago received an email informing me I wasn’t selected for this year’s residency program, and I thought this was just a follow up letter.  I ran my finger down the length of the envelope and pulled the folded piece of paper out from inside. Looking at the handwriting I realized it was a letter I had written to myself at the end of last year’s retreat.  I sat on a kitchen stool and read it.

June 29, 2015

Dear Gia,

I think you know who this is, I’m you, and I’m writing back to you from the future. I know this sounds a little far-fetched and probably a little hokey, but I’m at a writer’s retreat and the instructor asked us to do this exercise. Write to yourself with advice to your self as a writer. Well, here’s what I think you should know.

I know your brain is probably spinning these days, between your job, other commitments, upcoming major surgery, your desire to write, and taking care of yourself, but let me reassure you, you’re making the right decisions, and soon you’ll be able to honor more of your desires and wishes. In the meantime focus on the now, live in the moment, and remember you can only control so much, the rest will take care of itself somehow.  I know all you want to do is walk away from it all, and just write, heal, and grow into the new you, but go slowly. It may not always seem like it, but you’re fragile. And you’re just about to embark on a huge new chapter of your life, heck you’re getting a new face! 

I’m so proud of you for owning your own happiness and choosing to live openly and honestly as yourself. I know you feel you got the short end of the stick when you began your transition, but you’re in such a better place now, don’t you ever forget it. So do what you have to do at work, what you’re doing is important. Be positive about your surgery, stay open minded, and remind yourself why you’re doing it. Make time to write and continue to share your story, because there’s no one else like you. Your story is unique and who knows, it might save a life. I know because writing probably saved your life.  You're also probably telling yourself, I'm not worthy and there are plenty of better writers out there, but trust me, the words you use are smart, honest, and while they're sometimes dark, they're also funny and real, just like you.

And one more thing, you will find LOVE again, trust me.

Love always,

Gia